Dipper guide to the unexplained 45 the illusive Jungle Girl
by The Cowardly Christian
Summary: Dipper is desperate to capture Jungle girl Wendy. She has beaten up and humiliated him at every attempt...will this time be different?


**Tales of the Falls**

I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!

...III...

**ANNOUNCEMENT!**

**I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED!**

**SUMMARY:**  
**On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?!**

**The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publisher, also available at Amazon, Inkitt and BarnesandNoble.**

...responses...

...III...

The camera flickers on, Dipper Pines adjusts it. "Hello and welcome back to Dipper's guide the unexplained. Where we once again find ourselves searching for anomaly #45...the illusive Jungle girl-

"Bro, bro come on! Do we have to do this again?"

"Mable, this time I know I can catch her!"

"That's what you said the last 5 times! Her kicking your ass and striping you naked was funny the first 50 times- "IT'S ONLY BEEN 20!", interrupts a flustered Dipper.

Mable rolls her eyes and continues, -But now it's just getting sad...also, I'm getting tired of vomiting from the sight of your 'teeny weeny'."

Dipper blushed and covered his crotch on reflex, "It was cold- "Every single time you were stripped naked? In the middle of the day during the worse heat wave ever? Bro-bro...you got a baby dick, you know it, I know it, SHE knows it, and after your last few attempts every girl in town knows it-

...flashback, several days ago...

A naked Dipper's face went red as he was laughed at everytime the Northwest main gate- which he'd been tied to -automatically closed and flashed his goods to the next arrival who showed up.

Pacifica Northwest laughed as she took more pictures, "Huh, maybe this charity girls scout jamboree won't be a bust afterall." said Pacifica as she pointed and laughed at a sobbing Dipper along with all the hundred of other girls...

...

Dipper snarled, "We don't need to bring that up-

"Dipper, you literally don't have an ass anymore! She's kicked it so often, that there's nothing but stitches and scar tissue back there!"

Dipper blushed and covered his now much more scrawny rear-

...Flashback...

Dipper smiled as he held the camera and watched the hidden cage waiting for his prey to-

**CRUNCH!**

Dipper cried in pain as he was suddenly kicked in the rear so hard he could feel his coccyx break and he went tumbling from the tree, a flash of red and leopard skin descended with him, grabbed him by his clothes, shook him until they ripped and allowed him to fall painfully to the ground naked...

**STOMP!**

Right before she fell down and drop kicked his testicles...

...

Dipper gritted his teeth, "Be that as it may-

"Bro! You have your own calendar for the next five years the amount of times you've been caught running home naked!" She holds up a calendar showing pictures of a naked, bruised and sobbing Dipper running...

Dipper glared, "If your not going to help me Mable then just go! Meanwhile, I'm going to set my trap!" He smiles as he puts the finishing touches on his trap, he places a large red bottle in as the bait-

**CRACK!**

The red headed jungle girl swung from a vine, kicked him in the nuts, beat him up while he was down, stripped him naked, tossed him into the trap, stole the bottle and laughed as she fled...

Mable sighed, "I'm not going to free you this time Dipper...Clearly this is the only way you'll learn to let this go..."

But to her surprise...HE WAS SMILING!?

"...Phase...one...complete..." He said through his broken teeth.

...

Jungle Girl Wendy smiles, once more that silly male had been bested! And now to enjoy her victory, she smugly sits on the tallest tree of the forest wearing nothing but a leopard skin bikini.

She examines her prize...some sort of strange liquid...writing on the side? R...ooo...mmmm? Ah, whatever. As long as it tasted good...and it's great! It's like magic! She shares it with a nearby gorilla...

...20 minutes later...

Wendy giggled perversely, She turns to gorilla. (hic) Hey! That...is that your face...or did ...did you ass...your ass- (Hic) -crap out a monkey?" She snickered drowsily.

Drunk Gorilla just growls and smacks her off the tree, deeply inebriated and her agility and hand-eye-coordination now deeply compromised, Wendy was completely helpless to stop what happened next-

**CRASH!  
**

-As she smashed through the limbs-

**GAH!**

**WHACK!**

**OW!**

**CRACK!**

**WHY!?**

**SMACK!**

**NO!**

**GALAXY BUCKER!**

**CRASH!  
**

**GAH!**

**WHACK!**

**OW!**

**CRACK!**

**WHY!**

**SMACK!**

**NO!**

**CRASH!  
**

**GAH!**

**WHACK!**

**MOMA'S FRACKING BUCK!**

**OW!**

**CRACK!**

**WHY!**

**SMACK!**

**NO!**

**CRASH!  
**

**GAH!**

**WHACK!**

**SON OF A LEPER!**

**OW!**

**CRACK!**

**WHY!**

**SMACK!**

**NO!**

**BLOODY NUMPTY!**

**CRASH!  
**

**GAH!**

**WHACK!**

**OW!**

**CRACK!**

**WHY!**

**SMACK!**

**NO!**

**CRASH!  
**

**GAH!**

**WHACK!**

**OW!**

**CRACK!**

**WHY!**

**SMACK!**

**NO!**

**POSIDENS CORNHOLE!**

**CRASH!  
**

**GAH!**

**WHACK!**

**OW!**

**CRACK!**

**WHY!**

**SMACK!**

**NO!**

**POPA'S LOVEFRACK!**

**CRASH!  
**

**GAH!**

**WHACK!**

**OW!**

**CRACK!**

**WHY!**

**SMACK!**

**NO!**

**GOBBERFISH SUCK COLT!**

**CRASH!  
**

**GAH!**

**WHACK!**

**OW!**

**CRACK!**

**WHY!**

**SMACK**

**NO!**

**CRASH!  
**

**GAH!**

**WHACK!**

**OW!**

**CRACK!**

**WHY!**

**SMACK!**

**NO!**

**CRASH!  
**

**GAH!**

**WHACK!**

**OW!**

**CRACK!**

**WHY!**

**SMACK!**

**NO!**

**CRASH!  
**

**GAH!**

**WHACK!**

**OW!**

**CRACK!**

**WHY!**

**SMACK!**

**NO!**

**CRASH!  
**

**GAH!**

**WHACK!**

**OW!**

**CRACK!**

**WHY!**

**SMACK!**

**NO!**

**GRANNY'S DOUCHEBAG!**

**CRASH!  
**

**GAH!**

**WHACK!**

**OW!**

**CRACK!**

**WHY!**

**SMACK!**

**NO!**

**BOOM!**

Finally she hit the ground...her body twisted and broken six ways to Sunday...

She whimpered as she lifted up her head-

**CRACK!**

-Only for it to be nailed by the glass bottle of rum-

**BOOM!**

-Followed by the equally plastered gorilla, crushing what little unbroken bones she had left-

...soon the clearing was quiet again save for the sobs of the broken Jungle girl...then a whistling Dipper enters said clearing, pushes the gorilla aside, rips of the remains of Wendy's bikini, then drags her mangled body away while whistling a happy tune...

"Don't worry Wendy...I have some health potions that'll fix you right up...however-

**...**

STEP RIGHT UP! THE MYSTERY SHACKS NEW ATTRACTION! 500 DOLLARS A POP! THE NAKED JUNGLE GIRL!

Shouts dipper as he directs tourist to the cage where a naked- and fully healed -Wendy has been chained up and imprisoned.

Dipper looks at all the money he's racking in and smiles to the camera, "And that concludes today's video- "I'M KILLING YOU WHEN I GET OUT OF HERE!" Screamed a mortified Wendy.

Dipper just smiles, "Never forget, perseverance in adversity!"

Pacifica suddenly steps up beside him to yank down his shorts to take a quick pic of his teeny weeny, "But don't forget that trying TOO hard will only show the world how desperate you are to overcompensate." She remarked with a vicious smirk.

Dipper just blushes as he turns off the camera...

...III…

TO BE CONTINUED?

**AN: Want me to continue this? I'm willing to take Bribes! Go to my p,a,t,r,e,o,n acoount.  
**

**Love me, flame me, review me**


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